How to Know A Person - David Brooks

Sub-title: the art of seeing others deeply and being deeply seen

I learned so much from this book I think I'll buy my own copy to re-read and reinforce its lessons.  In 3 parts, titled "I See You", "I See Your Struggles" and "I See Your Strengths", Brooks takes us through learning to listen, connect, and empathize with others.   The author uses his own personal growth experience and admits the further ongoing work needed to practice what he learns.  A lot to ponder and apply.

Quotes:

p. 7 "Wise people don't just possess information, they possess a compassionate understanding of other people"

p. 51 [the art of accompaniment] "...how important it is to honor another person's ability to make choices"

p.  "...being curious about your friend's experience is more important than being right".

p. 91 [asking questions] "...why is that a problem for you?"

p. 100  [Book recommendation: The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma 2014 by Bessel van der Kolk] ..."knowing that we are seen and heard...can keep us calm and safe".

p. 156 [RULER principle] "Recognize, Understand, Label, Express and Regulate emotions."

p. 167 [questions to help people see more deeply into their own childhood] " Ask people to fill in the blank 'the one thing we must never do in my family is _______' and 'the one thing you must do above all else in my family is _______'".

p. 179 [five core personality traits (instead of Myers-Briggs)] "...extroversion, conscientiousness, neuroticism, agreeableness and openness.

p. 263 "Wisdom is a social skill practiced within a relationship or a system of relationships."

p.264 "A community of truth is when people are genuinely interested in seeing and exploring together. They do not immediately judge. ...they pause to consider what the meaning of the statement is to the person who just uttered it."

Books recommended about how to have a hard conversation:

p. 112 - High Conflict - Amanda Ripley, I Never Thought of it that Way - Monica Guzman, Crucial Conversations - Kerry Paterson, et. al.

Published: 2023  Read: October 2025 Genre: Sociology